Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
