Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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