We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
