turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
