I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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