Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
