I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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