omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
