Your mouth is God's brothel.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
