Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
