your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
