Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
