Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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