How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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