I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
