This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
