SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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