wanna go halves on a baby?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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