I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
