you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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