wanna go halves on a baby?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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