i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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