I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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