i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Last time i carry you out of a forest
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
