just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
