Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We don't watch enough power rangers
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
