I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
