hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
