im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
