dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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