my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
