it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
