I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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