i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
