I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
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