12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
