she woke up with a sticky ear
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
