life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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