I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
