is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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