Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I lost the right to judge tonight
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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