I wish my penis had an off switch
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
