Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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