I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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