I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
