So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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