You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
