We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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