Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
