Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
