do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
