im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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