Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
